


Tunnel Vision

by Interiorwinter



Series: Work me a little magic [4]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Domestic violence (past), First Time, Gideon was right, Hotch can't keep his hands to himself, M/M, Season/Series 01, Spencer wants him so badly, non-date date
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-03-29 16:53:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19024036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Interiorwinter/pseuds/Interiorwinter
Summary: S01E04 Plain Sight





	1. Death and the Maiden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01E04 Plain Sight

“Isn’t it amazing he knows what he knows and he’s only 24.” Aaron observed, his voice tinged with admiration. He and Gideon were watching the team fuss around Reid, who seemed overwhelmed and uncomfortable with the attention.

“Agent Hotchner!” Anderson indicated the phone and as Aaron moved across the room to answer it Spencer took the opportunity to escape from the clutches of Morgan and Elle and scampered across to Gideon.

“You make a wish?” Gideon inquired.

“Can I take this hat off?” Spencer asked, but his eyes flicked across to Hotch and a glimpse of something hungry flittered across his face.

“I wouldn’t” Gideon warned. Spencer twitched and he looked at Gideon in surprise before walking back to where JJ was passing out the birthday cake.

“Sorry guys, party’s over.” Hotch announced.

* * *

Death and The Maiden. It was hardly an obscure trope, and Spencer felt vaguely persecuted for knowledge that he felt sure many others would also possess. Morgan’s snide comment that it was no wonder he couldn’t get a date if he recognized a 17th Century ballad didn’t take into account the fact that the only date he wanted he couldn’t have.

* * *

Gideon’s gift surprised Spencer. The second last thing he could imagine himself doing was going to a Pro football game. The last thing was inviting JJ to go with him as his date. Spencer pondered whether the tickets had more to do with Gideon trying to steer him towards JJ or away from Hotch. It made little difference in either case, he knew he wasn’t interested in JJ, and Aaron wasn’t… well Aaron just wasn’t. He did what Gideon obviously expected of him and fumblingly asked JJ to the game. Hotch looked up briefly from the file he was studying and caught Spencer’s eye. The look he gave the young man was more curious than encouraging and Spencer wondered if it was the football game, the invitation to JJ or the combination of both that Hotch found most bewildering.

* * *

When Spencer entered the break room Monday morning he found Hotch already there and the coffee almost brewed. Spencer smiled a greeting as he grabbed his mug and waited for the drip filter to finish.

“How did your date go?” Hotch asked.

Spencer tried to work out if it was just politeness or if Hotch was genuinely interested in the answer. He was expecting to be grilled by Morgan and Elle but he hadn’t thought his weekend plans would matter at all to his boss.

“It was more fun than I thought it would be”

Hotch grinned and Spencer felt the air tighten in his lungs.

“Was that the result of the event or your companion?”

“Mostly it was a result of the math. I hadn’t realized the statistical wealth that football matches represent. There are pass attempts, passes caught and the total number of yards per pass. Also the variables to be calculated in actually converting a touchdown such as windspeed and the season averages of the field goal specialist…”

 Hotch’s laugh interrupted him and Spencer stared sheepishly at his toes.

“I mean, the company was nice… but I don’t think… I guess I’m not…”

“I have a birthday present for you too.” he said when Spencer’s voice trailed off. “Also tickets, but not to football.” Hotch reached into his inside pocket and handed Spencer two tickets.

“The Guarneri Quartet at The Strathmore.” Spencer swallowed and met Hotch’s gaze. ‘I don’t think JJ is much into classical music”

“Neither is Haley, and I thought you and I might both enjoy this particular program.”

“What are they performing?”

“Schubert. String quartet No14 in D minor.”

Spencer looked at Hotch in wonder.

“Death and the Maiden?”

“You aren’t the only one who has a taste for literature and music. It doesn’t make you weird Spencer. It makes you interesting, and it certainly doesn’t make you unable to get a date.”

“Going to a concert with you doesn’t count as a date Hotch.”

“Think of it as a non-date date.” Hotch’s broad smile made his dimples show, and Spencer’s face lit up in response.

“So, does that mean you want to go?” Hotch asked.

“Yes,” Spencer replied breathlessly. “I really want to go. Thank you Hotch.”

“I’ll pick you up at 6. We should probably grab some dinner before the program.”

“Okay.”

 There was a definite shine to Spencer’s eyes and Aaron felt a wash of pleasure at being able to do something that made the young man happy. He had a fondness for the boy that was a mix of awe at his intellect and protectiveness over his vulnerabilities. As a child Aaron had had a nerdy streak too, and he recognized the assumptions other people made about Reid. He wanted to show them, and him, that narrow versions of masculinity helped no one, and that there were as many ways to be a man in this world as there were men in it. It also wasn’t a completely altruistic gesture. Sharing the experience of a performance was always more meaningful than attending a concert alone and Aaron enjoyed Spencer’s company. His wife would choose a trip to the dentist over the concert hall and when Aaron had realized the significance of the Guarneri’s repertoire he had been excited to share it with Reid. Aaron poured his coffee and gave Spencer one final smile before leaving the break room and heading back to his office.

It took Spencer several moments before he could focus enough to fill his own mug.

“A non-date date,” he murmured to himself, knowing he was grinning like a maniac. Morgan chose that moment to appear in the doorway and he caught Spencer’s smile.

“Hey hey pretty boy! Looks like I don’t even have to ask how your date went. I just hope she’s smiling like that too or you’re going to get your heart broken.” Spencer ducked his head and walked back to his desk, not quite managing to make his mouth return to normal.

When Gideon stopped by his desk a little later Spencer was still glowing.

“How was the game?”

“The game was fun.”

“I told you you’d love it. Now you’ve broken the ice, maybe you can ask her out again this weekend.”

“Hotch and I are going to a concert this weekend. The Guarneri Quartet at The Strathmore. They’re one of the best and they’re playing Schubert.” Spencer didn’t even try to keep his excitement hidden.

“You and Hotch huh? Well that should be great,” but Gideon wasn’t looking at Reid. His eyes were fixed on the closed door to Aaron’s office.

“I think I need to have a chat with Hotch,” Gideon said softly.

“What about?” Spencer asked brightly

“Proverbs 4 verses 14-15,” he answered cryptically as he moved up the ramp leaving Spencer looking bemused.


	2. Chapter 2

Gideon knocked and waited until he heard ‘come in’ before entering Aaron’s office and closing the door behind him.

“Aaron, do you have a minute?”

“Sure, what can I do for you Jason?” Hotch motioned to the chair in front of his desk.

Gideon sat down and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and pressing his fingertips together.

“You’re taking Reid to a concert this weekend?”

Aaron put his pen down and looked at the older man sitting opposite him.

“Yes. Is there a problem?” Aaron was unsure what Gideon wanted from him.

“There might be. I think it would be wiser if you cancelled.”

Aaron’s expression changed from puzzlement to irritation.

“Really? I don’t know what you’re seeing that I’m missing but I don’t think wisdom is an issue here.”

“The Book of Proverbs, sometimes referred to as The Wisdom of Solomon. ‘Enter not the path of the wicked, avoid it’.”

“Proverbs 4: 14. Temptation is easier avoided than resisted. I still have no idea what this has to do with going to hear Schubert on Saturday night with Reid.”

“Aaron, the boy has feelings for you. I’ve seen it on his face. It really isn’t a good idea to put yourself in a situation that could be … misinterpreted.”

“By whom?” Aaron answered icily. Gideon sighed, taking his time before responding.

Aaron glanced at Gideon before moving his eyes back to the top of his desk. The revelation that Reid had a crush on him came as a surprise, but it didn’t make him uncomfortable. In fact, if he was honest with himself he was a little flattered. He didn’t think of himself as someone who could inspire those kind of feelings in someone as brilliant as Reid. At the same time, he could see no danger in spending some time with the young man away from the office. If Jason was right, cancelling their arrangement might make Reid think that he’d done something wrong, somehow caused Aaron to change his mind, and that was the last thing the young man needed after the teasing he’d endured from Morgan.

“By him. Please Aaron, just think about it. Spencer is not like anyone else you’ve ever met. He’s unique, and not easy to ignore. I’m worried that if he makes up his mind to pursue something, very little will be able to stop him.”

 “I’m sorry Jason, you’re worried that he’ll seduce _me_?” Aaron laughed. The idea was preposterous. He was married to his high school sweetheart and about to become a father for the first time. There wasn’t the remotest possibility that Spencer Reid could do or say anything that could make him forget that.

“He wants you Aaron.” Gideon said solemnly

“He has no idea what he wants Jason. Even if you’re right, there is not the slightest possibility that he could convince me to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with Haley.”

“It’s easier to avoid than resist. You don’t need to do this, why take the risk?” Gideon was almost pleading and Aaron was at a loss to understand what the other man was so worked up about.

“You’re right. I don’t need to do this, but I want to. So far nothing you’ve said has given me a reason to change my mind. I am perfectly capable of making it clear to Reid what is and what is not on offer.”

“And what would that be?” Gideon asked.

“What’s this really about Jason? He’s not your exclusive property you know. I’m beginning to think if anything is open to ‘misinterpretation’ it is the way you’re behaving.”

Gideon glared at him before rising from the chair and stalking out of the office.

Aaron walked to his window and looked down at the young man working through the stack of files on his desk as if seeing him for the first time. Aaron wasn’t sure how qualified he was to judge male attractiveness, but from where he was standing there was no doubt Reid was striking. He wondered if the boy really was attracted to him, or if it was just Gideon’s imagination. Reid chose that moment to glance up and his eyes met Aaron’s. The young man flashed him a radiant smile and Aaron felt a faint tug of something he couldn’t quite put a name to. Suddenly Saturday seemed a long way away.


	3. Chapter 3

Spencer spent most of Saturday agonizing over what to wear. He wanted to appear sophisticated, as befitted a performance by a string quartet, but not like he was trying too hard. He settled for a black Henley shirt with polished steel buttons under a dark charcoal jacket and black jeans.  He toyed with leaving the buttons undone, but was afraid that might look tasteless. He couldn’t remember being this nervous since high school and he checked his phone at least a dozen times, dreading but expecting a text from Hotch telling him something had come up and he wouldn’t be able to make it.

When Hotch’s Audi pulled up promptly at 6pm Spencer flew out the door and raced down the stairs two at a time before remembering that it would be very uncool to appear as keen as he felt. He slowed to what he hoped was a nonchalant trot and arrived at the bottom of the stairs just as Aaron wound himself out of the car.

“Jump in,” Hotch called to him and slid back behind the wheel. Spencer climbed in and flashed him the same luminous smile he had unleashed earlier in the week.

“Any requests for dinner?” Hotch asked as he pulled into the traffic.

“Not really,” Spencer replied. “Mostly I think of food as just body fuel. It goes in one end, comes out the other, and keeps things ticking over.”

“Hmmmm, we may have to do something about that. Good food is one of life’s great pleasures. Anything you definitely don’t like?” Aaron’s eyes skimmed Spencer’s face as he contemplated the question.

“I don’t like eating things with lots of legs and I’m not good with chopsticks. Other than that…” Spencer shrugged. “Did you have somewhere in mind?”

“Mmhmm. It’s not Asian and if we don’t order the lobster we should be fine.” Aaron smiled at Spencer. “It’s also close to The Strathmore, so we won’t have to worry about time.”

“I don’t dislike the taste of lobster, just the way you need to cook them alive to reduce the likelihood of food poisoning from the harmful bacteria shellfish have naturally in their flesh. It has been argued that lobsters do not possess a true brain and so can’t feel pain. I guess it’s fair to say that they are not self-aware in the same way that we are, but they do react to tissue damage both physically and hormonally, so they are obviously capable of detecting pain on some level. In fact, the hormone that they release into the bloodstream, cortisol, is the same one that humans produce when hurt. But the most visible sign of distress is the twitching tail, which evolved as an escape reflex. Researchers at the University of Maine found that putting the lobster on ice for 15 minutes before dropping it into boiling water produced the shortest tail-twitching interval; 20 seconds. Contrary to the popular urban myth though, placing the lobster in cold water that is then slowly brought to the boil does not anaesthetize the animal and appears to extend its suffering.”

Spencer snuck a glance at Aaron through his eyelashes to see if he was laughing at him, but the older man was looking thoughtfully at the road.

“Are you a vegetarian?” Aaron asked after few minutes.

“No, but like I said, I don’t really pay much attention to what I eat.”

“Will you let me order for you? I think it’s time Dr. Reid was schooled in the finer points of gastronomical delights.”

“If…if you want to.” Spencer replied. The idea of Aaron choosing his meal was thrilling, and for a moment, Spencer could almost believe that this was a real date, instead of just Aaron’s kindness.

“It would be fun to teach you about something for a change.” Aaron said teasingly.

His eyes firmly fixed on the road ahead Spencer replied softly,

“There are so many things it would be fun to learn from you.” Aaron shot him a swift glance but the young man didn’t respond and had it not been for Gideon’s visit Aaron would have thought he imagined it.

They drove in companionable silence until Aaron pulled up at Seasons 52. He had called earlier for a reservation and they were shown straight to a table.

‘Would you like to see the menu or are you happy to let me choose for you.”

“Please you choose. I don’t have a lot of experience eating in places like this. It’s not something my student budget would run to.” Spencer gazed around at the stiff white tablecloths and glittering tableware.

“Which reminds me, dinner is on me tonight. It’s part of your birthday present.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I want to.”

Aaron studied the menu for a few minutes and then motioned to the waiter.

“We’ll have the Four-Mushroom flatbread, the Grilled Artichokes with Preserved Lemon Hummus and the Ahi Tuna Tartare for starters; the Burrata, Roasted Beets and Fig Balsamic salad and the Hand Rolled Lasagna and Wood-Grilled Filet Mignon for mains.”

Aaron handed the menu across the table.

“Spencer I think you should choose dessert. It’s probably going to be your favorite part of the meal anyway.”

Spencer took the menu and smiled, looking at the available options.

“See anything you want?” Aaron asked

Spencer lifted his eyes to meet Aaron’s. In a few years, the older man thought, Spencer would be better at disguising his feelings, but right now he was still too young to conceal his yearning. Watching that longing marked so clearly on the young man’s face Aaron felt an answering hum of need.  He knew he should back away from this now, before things got to a place where Gideon’s warning might be necessary. He promised himself he would, but he wanted this one evening. Dinner and a concert, that was all he was going to allow, but he needed it with a ferocity that surprised him.

“Yes,” Spencer whispered. “I do.” Then he focused his attention back on the menu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the BBC Science Focus Magazine website for Spencer's lobster speech.


	4. Chapter 4

They arrived at The Strathmore and quickly found their seats. Aaron didn’t bother to purchase a program, he knew Spencer could tell him far more interesting things than would appear in the generic dribble that passed as background information.

Just as he suspected, they had been seated five minutes when Spencer said

“Schubert knew he was dying when he composed this. In 1823 he wrote to a friend ‘Think of a man whose brightest hopes have come to nothing, to whom love and friendship are but torture and whose enthusiasm for the beautiful is fast vanishing’. He finished Death and the Maiden the following year. The theme of the work is a bleak vision of terror, pain and resignation. The quartet ends with a tarantella – the traditional dance to ward off madness and death.” Spencer flashed a sardonic grin.

“Fitting really, given what we do.”

“We don’t have to stay if you’d rather something less intense. I hadn’t quite realized…I mean… ” Aaron’s words trailed off.

“There is nowhere else I would rather be and nothing else I would rather be doing than this.” Spencer said emphatically. Then the house lights dimmed and the musicians walked onto the stage.

Aaron lost himself in the music as the first movement began, a relentless struggle with death which mirrored the struggle he was having with his conscience. It wasn’t so much that Gideon had been right, it was that Aaron had seriously underestimated his own feelings for Reid. Spencer had done nothing to draw him into temptation except be himself. Aaron just had not expected to respond to Spencer the way he was. He had been so sure that he was in control it had shaken him to discover the power he exercised over his own desire was so fragile.

When the tarantella began a subtle shift in Spencer’s posture caused the young man’s knee to brush against Aaron’s. It was the smallest of gestures but Aaron felt a twitch of want as his body responded to the contact. He looked briefly at Spencer and caught the glint of a tear as it slid down his cheek. Without thinking Aaron reached out and used the pad of his thumb to brush it away. Spencer turned his face towards him and Aaron was transfixed by the intensity of young man’s gaze. The boy’s eyes were bright with unshed tears and his pale skin flush with emotion, Aaron wanted nothing more in that moment than to press his mouth against the quivering lips in front of him and still them with his own. He rested his palm against the young man’s face and continued to stroke the hollow beneath Spencer’s cheekbone with his thumb.

Spencer covered Aaron’s hand with his own and turned his face so that his lips were resting against the base of the other man’s thumb. He kissed it softly before lifting Aaron’s hand from his cheek and placing it back on the older man’s knee.

“Madness and death, Aaron” Spencer whispered before once again turning his eyes back to the stage. The quartet began the final coda and Aaron had no idea what to make of Spencer’s words. He watched the way Spencer’s hands trembled slightly as they lay folded in his lap, the sensuously long fingers overlapped resting across his groin. Aaron gripped the arm of his seat to stop himself reaching across and taking the young man’s hand, entwining those beautiful fingers with his own. As the music shifted suddenly to a minor key Spencer’s hand found his and gently worked his grip loose before weaving his fingers into the spaces between Aaron’s. The last mournful notes faded and Aaron was surprised to feel  a tear of his own curling down his cheek. Spencer leaned towards him and Aaron felt his warm breath and then the flick of Spencer’s tongue as it swiped the tear from his face. Spencer pressed his lips to Aaron’s skin at the exact spot the tear had been and then slowly leaned back. Aaron’s body responded to the deep eroticism of the gesture with a surge that had his cock hard in seconds. Applause erupted around them and he tried to extricate his hand from Spencer’s so he could lean his arms across his groin and preserve some semblance of control but the young man held his fingers fast and whispered, “Don’t.”

Spencer’s eyes dropped to where Aaron’s erection was straining against the fabric of his dress pants.

“I want to look at you,” he said softly.

“Spencer,” Aaron pleaded.

“I know I can’t touch, but I just want to see, to hold onto the knowledge that you could want me, that it’s real.”

“I’m not sure I know what’s real anymore,” Aaron murmured.

People were milling around them as the crowd trickled out of the venue but Aaron didn’t think he could move even if he wanted to. Spencer slid his fingers from the other man’s grasp and stood, his own desire clearly evident in the fullness at the front of his jeans.

“I’ll wait for you in the foyer, if you need a moment.” Spencer said softly, and then drifted away into the hum of the crowd.

He tried to steady his breathing but he knew he’d need more than a moment to regain control of his body and a lot longer to wrest back control of his life.

Aaron was one of the last to leave the auditorium and he found Spencer waiting near the bar in the foyer.

“We should go,” Spencer said softly when the older man came to a halt in front of him.

“We should talk,” Aaron answered.

“There’s nothing to say. This doesn’t end well. I can’t have you, but I can’t stop wanting you either. You don’t want to want me, but you do. The more time we spend together, the worse it will get. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it happen like this. I didn’t dream that you could ever, I mean, I never imagined there was any chance…”

“There isn’t any chance Spencer, not for what you want, but I value you, not just for what you do, but who you are as well. There will be plenty of others who see that too, others in a better position to give you what you want, what you deserve, than me.”

“That hasn’t been my experience thus far,” Spencer said dryly.

“Look at what you managed to do to me, after one non-date date. You’re beautiful Spencer, you shine. Right now the only thing you can see is me. It’s like you’ve got tunnel vision, but  things will change. If I helped you prove anything tonight it’s that you are extraordinary, by any standard.” Aaron smiled. “C’mon, I’ll drive you home.”

It was after midnight when Aaron slid into bed beside his wife, carefully trying not to wake her. Haley turned towards him and asked sleepily “Did you enjoy the concert?”

“It was beautiful, but that particular piece doesn’t have a happy ending.”

“Why would you choose that? I’d have thought you get enough of that at work every day.”

“Apparently not,” Aaron sighed.


	5. Trigger Press

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's getting closer to the edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01E06: L.D.S.K

Reid pulled the trigger and groaned as his shot failed to score a hit, any hit.

“Now what did you do wrong?” Hotch’s voice commanded from behind him.

“I didn’t follow through.”

“Right, you came off the target to see where you hit.”

Since the evening of their non-date date Spencer had avoided being alone with Hotch. He didn’t trust himself not to say or do anything that would result in another rebuff from his superior and he was still feeling far too fragile for that. His upcoming firearms qualification was causing him stress as well, he had barely passed the last one. Being able to carry a weapon was important to his sense of belonging to the team. When his superior volunteered to act as his tutor Spencer was surprised. Hotch also seemed to want to maintain a distance between them so he reasoned that the man’s pride was probably responsible for the offer. No one wanted to carry an unarmed agent on their team, however much of a ‘genius’ they might profess to be.

“Front sight, trigger press, follow through. You do those three things you’ll hit your target every time.”

Spencer sighed and squeezed off another shot. This time he hit the target in the groin. It was Hotch’s turn to sigh.

“I got distracted.” Spencer complained, which was technically true. He had been wondering if Hotch would make any attempt to re-adjust his stance, wanting to feel that toned body close against his own, Hotch’s arms encircling his as he corrected Spencer’s aim. Aaron’s nearness already had him half hard, and the thought of Hotch pressed against him made it even more difficult to focus.

“They’re going to take away my gun,” he said gloomily.

“Profilers aren’t required to carry.” Hotch tried to sound reassuring.

“Yeah, and yet you carry two of them.”

Hotch bent down and removed the gun from his ankle holster. He knew there was no good justification for demonstrating his marksmanship, he was just showing off, but he hadn’t allowed himself to be this close to Spencer since the concert and it gave him an excuse to stand beside him. Hotch fired three shots at the target, grouping them perfectly, then he lowered the gun and turned towards the young agent. He began to say something but the hunger in Spencer’s gaze stopped him. Silently he cursed himself for giving into the temptation to impress his young admirer. Then a hand reached for his gun, flicking the safety on before placing it on the side shelf.

Spencer closed the gap between them and pressed tremulous lips against his. It wasn’t a passionate kiss, but it was laced with a longing that Aaron could almost taste and he found himself lighting up in response. When Spencer moved to pull away, to his surprise, Aaron realized he didn’t want it to end. He slipped one arm around Spencer’s narrow waist to pull him closer and used his other hand to grab the back of Spencer’s head. Then Aaron began to kiss him back. His tongue wanted to be in Spencer’s mouth and he used the pressure of his own lips to coax Spencer’s open. The young man moaned as he took Aaron’s tongue, trying to pull it deeper, the sound and the sensation propelled Aaron’s hips hard against Spencer’s body, which just made the young man moan louder. Aaron could feel Spencer’s hardness even through their clothes and his own cock started to fill in response. The scent of propellant and the light, woody cologne Spencer was wearing filled his nostrils and Aaron was amazed at how erotic the combination was. He wanted to climb inside Spencer’s mouth and taste every corner, flick his tongue into every space that Spencer possessed and claim it as his own.

Spencer’s hands slid inside Aaron’s suit coat and down his back until they found purchase on the muscular cheeks and gripped them firmly, dragging Aaron’s now conspicuous erection against his own and grinding into him insistently. He released Aaron’s tongue and quickly nuzzled into the hollow beneath the older man’s jaw, the pressure tipping back Aaron’s head as Spencer drew his teeth across the light stubble on Aaron’s throat.

“I want you so much” Spencer murmured.

Maybe it was the release of his tongue or the whisper of Spencer’s hot breath on his skin but something broke the thrall that Aaron was under and he jerked away, bracing his hands against Spencer’s upper arms so he didn’t push the other man over but created a body space between them.

“No, Spencer, I can’t, I’m sorry.” Aaron rasped, his voice still sharp with desire but now also shaded with remorse. He shook the young man gently, trying to get his attention but Spencer’s eyes were glassy and he was breathing quickly.

“Reid!”

Spencer snapped his head up and met the other man’s gaze and Aaron watched the boy’s face change in front of him as the longing was chased away by sadness and then fear.

“Oh God Hotch I’m so sorry, don’t hate me, it was just... I can’t...”

A shudder rippled through the young man’s body and Hotch had to hold him firmly to stop Spencer from toppling over.

“Reid, it’s okay, look at me, it’s alright Spencer.”

Spencer reluctantly met Hotch’s eyes and Aaron inwardly berated himself for having allowed this to happen.

“Forgive me” Spencer whispered.

“That isn’t necessary,” Aaron tried to keep his voice steady but he only succeeded in sounding cold.

“I know you’re angry, you have every right to be, but please...”

“I’m angry at myself Reid, not you. I have to go.” Aaron released his hold on Spencer’s arms and the young man swayed a little.

“Good luck tomorrow” Aaron picked up his gun and walked away without looking back.

* * *

Aaron slid behind the wheel of his Audi and rested his forehead against the steering wheel.

“Fuck!” he said loudly, slapping the wheel with the open palms of his hands as he arched his head back. He wasn’t usually given to expletives but he felt this time it was warranted. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid. What on earth had possessed him to deliberately try and court Reid’s admiration when he knew how the young man felt about him? And if that wasn’t sin enough, to then willingly embrace him, to thrust needily against his body...

Aaron closed his eyes and groaned. It had felt so good. The way Reid looked at him, like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. No one had looked at him like that in a long time. He knew it was wrong; worse than just wrong, selfish and destructive, but he knew he wanted it.

He could blame his decision to train Reid on the desire to save the young agent the embarrassment of failure, but he knew that wasn’t the desire that had really been driving him. Since the concert Aaron had found himself thinking of his fingers entwined with Spencer’s, the press of the young man’s lips against his cheek, far too often. He also had to admit that Gideon was right and he really hated that.

“Fuck” he said again, but this time it was a whisper of desperation.

* * *

Reid dragged off the whistle that Morgan had draped around his neck and shoved it in the drawer. He was furious with himself, failing the firearms qualification was just another misery to add to his list. He’d be surprised if Hotch ever looked at him again and dreaded hearing the edge of disdain he was certain would be present whenever Hotch spoke to him. He was tempted to write his letter of resignation on the spot, only the thought of the relief he would see in Hotch’s eyes once he did stopped him. He just wasn’t strong enough for that.

JJ’s announcement that their new case was a Long Distance Serial Killer focused the team’s attention away from him and he felt grateful for the reprieve, although he had a sinking feeling that this case above any other was not a good one to be working unarmed.

* * *

“Reid, let’s take a walk down to the E.R.”

Aaron registered Reid’s surprise at being asked to accompany him, but Gideon had kept Reid by his side ever since they arrived in Illinois and Hotch was keen for an opportunity to try and demonstrate to Spencer that they could have a professional relationship, despite what had happened on the range, as much for his own sanity as for Spencer’s benefit.

Hotch kept the discussion centred on the likelihood of Dr. Landman’s alibi holding and tried to draw some observations from the young agent about the motivations for hero homicide. Aaron read the relief in Spencer’s eyes as they debated the conditions needed to trigger an attack and they both reached the conclusion that the unsub was most likely an EMT working the second shift. A wave of guilt washed over Aaron as he discerned just how much Spencer needed his approbation and it made him determined to try and repair the harm he had caused the young man. When they identified the unsub as Philip Dowd, Hotch sent Reid to tell Gideon, wanting to get Spencer as far away from the ER as possible.

Aaron registered the blow that dropped Spencer to floor and he felt his heart being squeezed before the icy calm he was renowned for settled on him like armour. He drew his weapon but knew that even with a clean head shot the slightest trigger press on a full automatic could kill half the people in the room, himself and Reid included. Slowly he lowered his weapon, trusting his skills as a profiler even more than his marksmanship. Dowd took Hotch’s weapon and turned to yell at Reid

“Get up, get over here.”

Spencer scurried over to Hotch and stood beside him, his hands up, his head lowered submissively.

“He’s not armed” Hotch replied to Dowd’s request to take Reid’s gun. “See for yourself”

As Dowd ran his hands down Spencer’s body it took all of Aaron’s control not to attack the man. The thought of Spencer being touched by that piece of human refuse only increased his desire to see Dowd dead at his feet.

As the zip ties fastened around his wrist Aaron began to formulate his plan. He would have to run the risk of hurting Spencer deeply with what he was about to say and do, but he trusted his own ability to deceive the killer much more than Spencer’s and so he had to make it as real as possible. He could apologise to Reid later, if they both survived.

“Shut up Reid” Hotch’s voice dripped with disdain, sounding exactly as Spencer had imagined he would.

Through his insults, Hotch directed Dowd’s attention away from Reid and made the killer focus on him instead. The look on Spencer’s face when Hotch asked Dowd to let him ‘kick the snot out of this kid’ almost undid him, but he knew how many lives were at stake so he held onto his resolve, determined that he could fix it later. He grabbed Reid and threw him backwards, masking Reid’s hands from Dowd’s vision with his own body.

“It’s front sight, trigger press, follow through.” Aaron barked through clenched teeth, praying that Reid would understand as he drove his foot into Reid’s stomach.

“Feel better” Dowd smirked when Aaron finally turned back.

“I think he got the message.”

Spencer was curled up on the floor, his back to Dowd when the killer noticed the empty ankle holster on Hotch’s leg.

“What’s that?” he asked, right before Spencer rolled and shot a neat hole through Dowd’s forehead.

* * *

Spencer leant against the back of the ambulance as they wheeled Dowd past him, the sheet covering the body was white except for the small bloom of bright red right in the centre.

He had been assessed by the medical personnel, one side of his face was red and grazed where Dowd had hit him with the butt of the rifle. He would probably be sporting a multi-coloured bruise over the next couple of days and there was still the shadow of a thin trail of blood from his nose.

Aaron approached him and sighed.

“You alright?

“Yeah,” Spencer nodded.

“Nice shot,” Aaron smiled sheepishly. Spencer frowned.

“I was aiming for his leg”

“I wouldn’t have kept kicking but I was afraid you didn’t get my plans,” Aaron was looking down at the ground but then peered up at Spencer through long, dark lashes. Spencer felt his mouth go dry. Aaron looked so vulnerable when he was trying to apologise.

“I got your plans the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.”

“Well I hope I didn’t hurt you too badly.”

“Hotch I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a girl.” Aaron grinned, and then sighed again.

“I don’t mean just physically.”

Spencer looked speculatively at the older man.

“I’ll get over it. I’ve taken much worse.”

“I wish I could change that.” Aaron curled his hand slightly and stroked the back of his fingers down the side of Spencer’s face that remained unmarked. Spencer closed his eyes and turned his head just enough to brush his lips across Aaron’s hand.

“You know Hotch, we make an impressive team,” Spencer murmured, his lips still pressed against the older man’s fingers because Aaron had made no attempt to move his hand away.

“Spencer.” The tone of his voice was part warning, part aching need.

From where he was watching in the shadows, Gideon frowned.


	6. The hunting of a man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01E08: Natural Born Killer

“Take off your tie for once in your life huh?” Gideon’s fingers worked to loosen Hotch’s collar and tie, Aaron was still straining to draw breath and there was an angry red line on his throat where Perotta had tried to garrotte him.

“It’s alright Jason. I’m alright” Hotch rasped.

“Are you?” Gideon said slowly, and Aaron knew he wasn’t just asking about his neck.

“We don’t have time for this now.”

“I know, but later. We need to talk Hotch.”

“After we find Jimmy Miller, I promise.”

  
Gideon helped Hotch to his feet and they headed to their SUV and back to Quantico.

* * *

The injuries to Aaron’s face and neck made Spencer feel ill. He knew the senior agent had gone into the scrapyard with plenty of backup, but Perotta was a trained killer, there was every chance their encounter could have ended differently. Spencer shuddered at the thought and felt his skin go clammy. He wandered off to help Garcia analyse the phone call Russo made to Perotta. He didn’t trust himself to hide his feelings if he was anywhere near Hotch and Gideon didn’t need any more ammunition. Since Illinois, Gideon had been doing his best to keep Spencer separated from Aaron, subtly adjusting their tasks so that the two men were rarely alone together. Spencer knew it was probably for the best, but it made him anxious to think that Gideon knew how he felt about Aaron, about what he wanted from him. Gideon had recruited Spencer straight from the academy and he felt he owed the older man to be the best he could possibly be. He knew his desire for Aaron would be disappointing to his mentor, and that made him uncomfortable. He also knew it wasn’t something that was in his power to change. Wanting Aaron wasn’t a choice, it was a blinding, driving need.

* * *

“You shouldn’t still be here. Go home Aaron.” Gideon stood in the doorway to Hotch’s office, hoping for an invitation to enter but not wanting to press the issue given how exhausted Aaron seemed. Aaron looked at Gideon and sighed.

“Okay Jason, let’s have it. We might as well do this now.”

“Are you sure, you look pretty beat.”

“Very funny.” Aaron waved a hand at the chair in front of his desk and Jason sat down.

“It has to stop.” Gideon said softly.

“I know.” There was no point trying to deny what Gideon was implying, Aaron couldn’t lawyer his way out of this one because everything Gideon suspected was true.

“How far has it gone?” Gideon asked.

Aaron’s eyes narrowed. The prosecutor in him wasn’t quite prepared to roll over completely.

“Further than it should have, not so far as to make me ashamed of anything, far enough for me to know that I’m in trouble.” Gideon shook his head.

“I know, I know, you were right.”

“Being right gives me no pleasure in this Hotch. I wish I had been wrong. Have you talked to him about it?”

“Not really, no. I told him I couldn’t, you know...” Aaron waved vaguely.

“But did you want to?” Gideon took the tortured look in Hotch’s eyes as assent. “So what happens next?”

“Honestly Jason? I have no idea. I could always transfer out of the BAU, Hayley has been begging me to leave now that we have Jack, and maybe she’s right, this isn’t the kind of job that is good for relationships.”

“No!” Gideon’s reaction was immediate and Aaron was surprised by the forcefulness in Gideon’s voice. “Without you this unit would fall apart. You’re essential to the work we do here Aaron. You hold us all together. I don’t want to lose either of you. Let me talk to him. I think I can get him to realise the effect this is having on you both, and maybe do something to curb it.”

And that was what it boiled down to, Aaron thought. Gideon didn’t want to lose either of them, they were both in their own ways, creatures that had been brought into being by Jason Gideon. It was Gideon who had lured Aaron away from SWAT with promises of profiling the broken and the damned, to catch them before the need for a high-powered rifle shot through the heart. It was Gideon who had seen the potential in young doctor Reid and seduced him into the BAU, exploiting Spencer’s desperate need to make a difference in real people’s lives. And now they’d found each other, forming a circuit that excluded their creator and he wasn’t happy. Aaron realised this had nothing to do with any moral objection to adultery, or even concern for his marriage. Deep down this was all about Gideon and ‘his’ team.

“I’m not sure he’d react very well to that. It’s my problem, I need to deal with it.”

“You don’t have to deal with it alone.”

“I need to try first. If I can’t, well, then I’ll ask for help.” Gideon’s smile suggested Aaron had won his approval and Aaron felt releived that he had stalled any attempt by Jason to interfere in his personal life.

“Good. I’ll be waiting.” Gideon slapped his palms against the chair arms and stood up. “Goodnight Hotch, and please, go home.”

“Goodnight, Jason. I will, I promise.”

Hotch’s phone buzzed with a message and he reached into his pocket for it as Gideon left the office. He was expecting it to be from Hayley, asking him when he would be home, but it was a different name that appeared on the screen

 

_Hotch, I just wanted to know if you’re alright. You are alright, aren’t you?_

**Yes Reid, I’m alright.**

_I saw your face, your throat. I was worried._

 

**It’s a bit sore, but I’ll be fine. You had much worse in Illinois.**

_Are you at home?_

**No, I’m still at work.**

_Why????_

**I’m leaving now.**

_Good. That’s good. You should go home and rest._

**I have a four-week-old baby at home. Rest is not really an option.**

_You could come here, I have a spare room, it has a bed and a lot of books in it. Some of the books are on the bed but I could move them._

Aaron closed his eyes and for a moment he almost considered accepting Spencer’s offer. It would be good to curl up in a bed and sleep like the dead for as many hours as his body would let him. It would be even better to curl up in a bed with Spencer’s lithe body stretched beside him, beneath him, Spencer’s arms wrapped around his neck, long fingers twisted into his hair...

 

_Sorry, I’m sorry, I know you don’t trust me, but Hotch, really, I was just trying to help. Don’t be angry._

**I’m not angry Spencer. You’re not the one I don’t trust. I am. We should probably discuss this at some point, but not tonight.**

_Why not tonight?_

**Because if I was alone with you in your apartment I wouldn’t be talking.**

_What would you be doing?_

The question sent a shiver through Aaron, he knew he mustn’t respond, didn’t dare respond, but his fingers itched to describe to Spencer what he wanted, what, increasingly, he felt he needed from him. He typed the only thing he could.

 

**Suffering**


	7. M-Theory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E09: Derailed  
> M-theory is a theory in physics that unifies all consistent versions of superstring theory. The existence of such a theory was first conjectured by Edward Witten at a string theory conference at the University of Southern California in the Spring of 1995. According to Witten, M should stand for “magic”, “mystery”, or “membrane” according to taste. All three might be applicable here.

“Oh come on Reid, what are you talking about, a magic trick?” Morgan didn’t trouble to hide his scepticism.

“Yeah I’m talking about a magic trick!” Spencer said defensively.

“No!” Hotch said in a voice that would not accept argument.

“I used to do it during college exams. I can make it appear, I can make it disappear” Spencer illustrated his point by making a coin disappear.

“We can’t risk giving him another agent as a hostage,” Hotch said, _especially not you_ the look in his eyes added. Spencer gazed levelly at Hotch.

“We don’t have any other choice,” he argued. In the end it was Gideon’s call.

“No, we don’t have any other choice,” Gideon agreed, he but wasn’t looking at Reid, he was watching Aaron’s face.

 

Surrounded by Gideon, Morgan and Hotch, Spencer practiced palming the chip so it would appear he had lifted it from Dr Bryar’s arm. He dropped it twice and Gideon almost pulled the plug but Spencer was desperate to prove himself and the third time the microchip appeared in the palm of his hand as if from nowhere.

“Do not stay in there with him. That’s an order,” Gideon almost pleaded.

“Yes sir.” Spencer turned to leave but then swung back towards the three worried faces staring at him.

“Could you guys do me a favour?” Spencer asked.

“Anything.” Morgan said quickly.

“Could at least one of you look like you’re going to see me again?” Hotch’s worried frown shifted and he said slowly and deliberately

“See you when you get back.”

 Spencer flashed him a nervous smile and walked away. Aaron folded his arms across his chest to stop himself from wrapping them around Spencer and holding him tight against his body.

 

* * *

 

Aaron almost ordered the HRT to take out Bryar even though he knew people would be hurt, the only thing that stopped him was the knowledge that Spencer was just likely to be a victim as any of the others, maybe more so. Bryar’s promise that “it all ends today,” bathed Hotch in a cold sweat and he scowled at Gideon. When Spencer finally found a way through to Bryar, Gideon couldn’t wait any longer and moved towards the train. The sound of a gunshot first froze him and then propelled him onto the train. Aaron closed his eyes and uttered a desperate plea to whomever or whatever might be listening. When Gideon entered the carriage he saw Reid standing over the injured Bryar and he felt the tightness in his chest dissolve. At least now he’d be able to look Hotch in the eye again.

 

* * *

 

Aaron watched from a discreet distance as Spencer sat beside Elle, their bodies tipped towards each other. Aaron understood it for what it was, the necessary closeness of a shared threat that would inevitably draw them together. It was part of building a team. Aaron envied Elle as Spencer lifted his arm and tucked a loose strand of hair back behind his ear. The young man smiled at her, a smile tinged with the relief that came from knowing how close they both had been to never being able to smile again. Then Spencer looked across to where Aaron was standing and slowly stood up. Elle moved away and Spencer thrust his hands down into in his pockets, making his slacks ride lower on his hips as he strolled towards where Aaron was standing. Aaron bit his lip and waited. He could feel himself getting hard just watching the way Spencer’s hips swung as he closed the distance between them. Spencer came to a halt as close to Aaron as he could get without touching him.

“You did well Reid.”

Spencer inclined his head slightly and peered seductively up at Aaron though impossible eyelashes.

“Thanks Hotch.”

Aaron lifted a hand and rested it on Spencer’s shoulder squeezing it gently. Spencer turned his face until his lips rested against the thumb Aaron had placed close to Spencer’s neck. The young man smiled wickedly before his tongue darted out and licked the length of Aaron’s thumb. The breath hitched in the senior agent’s throat and he closed his eyes, feeling the softness of Spencer’s lips pressed against the callouses on his palm.

“You need to go to the hospital and get checked out,” Aaron managed to whisper in a strangled voice.

“I know. I told Elle I’d meet her there. Just 5 more seconds, please Hotch.”

Spencer’s breath was hot against his hand and Aaron knew he was lucky Reid hadn’t asked for anything else because in that moment he could have denied him nothing. After a moment Spencer shifted away from Hotch, gave him a knowing smile and began to walk back to the emergency vehicles waiting to transport him away.

 

 

Spencer slid the key into the lock on his door and stepped into the apartment just as his cell phone buzzed.

 

**Reid, just checking that you’re alright. Did the hospital give you the all clear?**

_Yes, Hotch I’m fine. I feel a little shaky and my legs are jellyish, if that’s a word. The doctors said that’s normal after an adrenaline high._

**Your body will get used to it and after a few more years the comedown will be almost instant.**

_I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not._

**It makes it easier. I meant what I said earlier, you did well today. Scared me half to death, but you made a difference.**

 

_I was worried I’d give you a myocardial infarction. Then you’d have been farced. By me._

**That’s not the least bit funny Reid**

_Maybe not, but I like the thought of it nevertheless._

**Goodnight Reid**

_Goodnight Aaron x_

Spencer grinned wickedly and meandered into his bedroom shedding clothes as he went until he dropped naked into his bed and closed his eyes, imagining Aaron’s mouth covering his skin in kisses.


	8. Something to be punished for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer almost gets shot...again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E10: The Popular Kids

Love will tear us apart

                                   _Joy Division_

.

Dreams and anguish bring us together

                                   _Eugene Ionesco_

 

Morgan was teasing him in the break room, but despite the gentle ribbing Spencer needed to ask him something important.

“Hey Morgan, do you ever have dreams? I mean, I guess nightmares would be a more accurate description. I used to get them occasionally, but lately I get them every night.” Spencer was trying not to make too much fuss but he needed to know if other members of the team suffered the way he did.

Morgan looked at the dark smudges under Reid’s eyes and sighed.

“What are they about?”

“This. What we do.”

“Did you ask Gideon about this?”

“No,” Spencer replied emphatically.

“You should,” Morgan looked at the young man sympathetically, then JJ interrupted them with a summons to the briefing room before Spencer could ask anything further and Derek looked relieved.

Later, on the jet, as they made the half hour journey to Macallister, Virginia, Hotch noticed the violet shadows beneath the young agent’s eyes and frowned. The lilac scarf Reid had draped around his neck accentuated the colour and made the young man’s face look hollow and gaunt. Spencer wasn’t sleeping and Hotch was apprehensive about what was keeping young Dr. Reid awake at night. He hoped it wasn’t connected with his own tumultuous feelings about the boy, and worried that he might be the cause of Spencer’s sleeplessness. He still hadn’t had a chance to speak to Reid and he knew a part of him was avoiding the conversation because he didn’t want it to stop. Another part didn’t trust himself to be alone with Spencer and not want to slide his tongue into the young agent’s mouth again.

As they reviewed the case, Spencer explained the background to the Satanic Panic of the late 1980’s to the others and Hotch reflected that at least Spencer’s mind seemed to be functioning well even if he was sleep deprived.

The small town of Macallister was everything Hotch expected it to be. He knew from experience that the sheriff’s appraisal of the town as “a quiet place where folks can raise their kids” potentially hid a far more pernicious reality. Although there had been no known case of satanic ritual killing in the United States, Hotch figured that Macallister, with its church on Sunday, Fellowship on Wednesday and numerous bible study groups was exactly the kind of place to breed rebellion and resentment. It would almost be unusual if the sharp focus on church and family values didn’t also create its own antithesis.

He was relieved when, after the search for Cherish Hanson, Morgan pulled him aside and told him about Reid’s nightmares.

“You and I both know that it’s normal to have this reaction to what we do, Hotch, but I think Reid needs some advice, some coping strategies. I would hate to see him burn out at such a young age.

“Leave it with me. I’ll let Gideon know, he’s been doing this longer than any of us. If anyone can help Reid work through the nightmares, he can.”

Back at the sheriff’s office, preparing to deliver the profile Hotch noticed Reid yawning.

“Tired?” Hotch asked

“I’m fine”

“We all get them sometimes.”

“Get what?” Spencer frowned

“Nightmares,” Hotch said sympathetically. Spencer glared in Morgan’s direction

“It’s not that bad.” Spencer was so angry with Morgan he could barely answer Hotch. The last person he wanted to know about his nightmares was his superior. What if he decided to drop Reid from the team? The thought of being transferred to another division away from the BAU, from the work he valued, from the relationships he needed was almost paralysing.

“If you want to talk about it, you know where I am” Hotch squeezed Spencer’s arm but for once the young man was too focused on his anger to respond to Aaron’s touch.

* * *

 

“Morgan,” Spencer called out loudly to the agent as they moved towards the old house Mike Zizzo and his friends used as a hang-out. Morgan turned and waited for Spencer to catch up.

“You knew I didn’t want you to tell Hotch about my nightmares” he said angrily.

“Reid, that’s something they need to know about”

“They?”

“Hotch and Gideon”

  
“How could you do that? What if they think I can’t do my job? What if they want to pull me off the team?” Spencer’s anxiety was rolling off his body in waves.

“They won’t”

“Oh yeah? How do you know that?

Morgan explained to Spencer how Gideon had helped him to come to terms with the horrors that their jobs exposed them to.

“The nightmares are always there Reid, they just become fewer. You get better at dealing with them.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this the first time I asked you?”

“It’s not something I want to talk about, but Gideon and Hotch will. They’ve been doing this a long time, ask them for some strategies. They won’t think any less of you.” Morgan saw Reid visibly relax as they started searching the house for any sign of the missing girl.

* * *

Gideon interrupted Hotch’s interview with Mike Zizzo to impart some startling news. Aaron almost felt sorry Zizzo, the young man had never been able to escape Macallister and had spent his early twenties angrily rebelling against the people in the small town and their small town minds. That left the sheriff’s son Cory as their most likely unsub. He was currently out at the old Janson place and so were Morgan and Reid.

“Sheriff did you open the gun locker?” the deputy asked as he entered the room where Hotch and Gideon were trying to persuade the Sheriff that Cory was a danger to himself and others.

“No,” the sheriff replied, his face pale.

“Well someone did. There’s a revolver missing.”

Aaron looked at Gideon.

“Reid” he whispered and sprinted from the room.

 

* * *

 

Corey Bridges thrust the muzzle of the revolver against Reid’s cheek and cocked the hammer. Spencer did the only thing he knew had saved his skin on more than one occasion, he talked. Babbling about Nietzsche and the Ubermensch he managed to distract the teenager long enough to push the gun away and drop from his hold. Morgan applied a flying tackle to them both and Reid found himself being thumped into the ground as Morgan straddled the boy, punching him hard to stop him trying to attack them again.

“Did you have to tackle us both?” Spencer asked peevishly.

“You’re welcome Reid” Derek replied, shaking his head.

Hotch arrived at the same time as the deputies and took in Reid’s disheveled appearance and the teenager’s bloody face.

“What happened?” he asked Morgan.

“Bridges pulled a gun on us, Reid distracted him while I disarmed him. It’s all good Hotch.” Morgan accompanied the law enforcement officers and the Bridges boy back to the main house, leaving Hotch alone with Reid.

“Are you alright?” Hotch asked him softly as he moved to stand beside the young man. He reached out to pluck a twig from the tousled mop of Reid’s hair.

Reid looked at him and smiled bashfully before nodding.

“Yeah, I’m alright.” There was a mark on his cheek that looked suspiciously like the muzzle of a revolver. Aaron ran his thumb gently along Spencer’s jaw, stopping where the skin looked an angry red and tilted Spencer’s face towards him.

“If you’d let yourself get shot, I’d have killed you.” Hotch whispered. Spencer swallowed nervously, letting his hands rest on Aaron’s hips, his eyes lost in the hard depths of Aaron’s gaze.

“I talked my way out of it. I can be very loquacious when I’m afraid.”

“You have to stop almost getting yourself killed. You really will give me a heart attack. Does this hurt?” Aaron passed his thumb gently over the indentation on Spencer’s cheek.

“Only when I breathe”

“So stop breathing”

“I thought you said...”

“Shhh...” Aaron stopped his words with his mouth, Spencer’s hands gripped the older man’s hips and shifted them so that Aaron was pressed against Spencer’s thigh. The young agent moved his arms to encircle Aaron’s waist and pulled him against the hard muscle of his leg. His tongue was busy exploring Aaron’s mouth and Hotch was making sounds that had Spencer quivering with need. There was no way he was going to stop kissing Aaron， he didn’t care if he passed out from lack of oxygen. Aaron had one hand cupping his jaw and the other twined into his hair. Spencer felt bold enough to press his thigh firmly against Aaron’s groin. Hotch groaned at the contact and he started sucking at Spencer’s tongue, drawing him deeper into his mouth.

At the sound of voices approaching Aaron broke away and stepped backwards, his face a mask of longing and shame.

Spencer was breathing rapidly and he bent forward gripping his knees tightly, trying to look as if he had just sprinted through the woods. By the time Gideon and JJ reached the outbuildings Hotch had composed himself and buttoned the front of his suit coat.

“Everything okay?” Gideon queried.

“We were just heading back,” Hotch answered smoothly.

“Why does Reid look like he’s just run a marathon?” JJ asked

“The Bridges boy tried to blow his head off. I think he’s still recovering.”

Spencer shot him a sardonic glare.

Gideon said nothing, but Hotch had no doubt he had a good idea what had just taken place.

“Let’s go,” Aaron said, sounding much more in control than he felt.

Gideon fell into step beside Reid.

“We need to talk.”

“Okay,” Spencer said evenly. “I could use some advice on making the nightmares go away.”

“You need some advice on not creating another one,” Gideon said pointedly and strode off to catch up with Hotch.


	9. The nature of the delusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E11: Blood Hungry

Hotch knew exactly what kind of world Mrs. Mays came from. There was wealth, her fur coat testified to that, and an unwillingness to accept change, surely no one wore fur these days. Privilege and influence played a part too, it was unthinkable that even the whiff of any scandal could ever be allowed to inhabit the same physical space as she did. He knew it because it was his mother’s world. A world he had been tolerated in for as long as he maintained the respectable veneer of social niceties. The un-niceties were never to be mentioned, the bruises never revealed, the welts and marks never displayed. His anger at the woman’s deep selfishness was difficult to hold back, but he managed, just as he had managed to hold back the tears and cries when his father took to him with his belt. Or his fists.

Mary Mays claimed she wanted to protect her son, but she wasn’t there when he needed her most, something Aaron felt he shared with poor, deranged Eddy. ‘But for the grace of God,’ he thought to himself.

“What else was I supposed to do?” Mary Mays pleaded.

“Almost anything would have been better.” Aaron said, but he couldn’t look at her. She was too much like Clementine.

“What would you have me do Aaron?” His mother’s voice echoed across the years, and she sounded just like Mary Mays. He had forgiven her long ago, even though he knew that deep down Clementine Hotchner had cared more about what ‘other people’ thought than she ever did for her own son. His forgiveness stemmed from the knowledge that she was even better at hiding the marks than he was. It was more difficult for her, as a woman she was expected to wear more revealing clothes than he ever did. His father insisted upon it.

* * *

His ghosts had disturbed and exhausted him, and by the time Aaron unlocked his front door and climbed the stairs to his bedroom he was desperately tired but too taut with emotional stress to relax.  

He was just about to crawl into bed when his phone pinged with a message. Haley rolled towards him sleepily,

“Is it work?” Aaron glanced at the screen.

“It’s Reid.”

“What does he want?”

“I’m not sure. He’s started having nightmares. I told him he could contact me if he needed to.”

“Well you’re an expert in that field.” Haley sighed. “Can you take it in your office, I need to get up to Jack in a couple of hours, I need to sleep.”

“Of course,” Aaron said. He felt restless as he opened the door to his office and sat down at his desk. He had no idea what had prompted Reid to text him so late, but anything would be a welcome distraction from the crawling edginess that was scattered through him. And Reid was always a very welcome distraction.

 

_Hotch?_

 

**Yes Reid**

 

_Do you realise that we just closed a case and I didn’t almost get killed?_

 

**That’s something to be glad about**

 

_Is it?_

 

**Why wouldn’t it be?**

 

_Because you had no excuse to touch me_

 

**Is that what you think happens?**

 

_It’s what I know happens. Empirical evidence. Every time I almost get killed, you touch me. Sometimes you even kiss me. Maybe I should step into the line of fire, on purpose._

 

**If you do that I won’t kiss you, on purpose.**

 

_I’d rather you kissed me purposefully_

 

**So would I**

 

_I miss the taste of you_

 

Hotch took a deep breath and tried to steady the fluttery nerves that seemed to have invaded his body. ‘Stop behaving like a lovesick teenager’ he admonished himself, but he knew that was exactly what he wanted to feel like. He wanted that giddy sense of arousal, the gnawing desire in the pit of his groin. Just one sentence from Spencer and he was reduced to a quivering pool of need. It was like an addiction. Knowing how wrong it was just made him want it more.

 

 **I miss**. Oh god, was he really going to do this? His restlessness became recklessness and before he could let his rational mind stop him he quickly typed

**I miss the way your body feels pressed against mine**

Then he pressed send. It took a few minutes before his phone pinged in response

 

_My body misses being pressed against yours. I need you so much._

 

Aaron’s breathing stuttered. He had nothing and everything to lose.

 

**_How much?_ **

 

The minutes ticked over without a reply and Aaron thought that perhaps he had said or done something wrong. Then his phone pinged again and Aaron saw he’d been sent a sound file. He opened his desk draw and removed a headset. Once he had it plugged into his phone he played the file. The sound of soft, panting breaths filled his ears and a voice unmistakably Spencer’s whispered _‘Aaron_ ’. The needy moans left him in no doubt what Spencer had recorded and as he continued to listen he slid his hand below the waistband of his pants, stroking his growing erection. The sound of Spencer’s building orgasm had him thrusting hard into his hand, gripping and twisting as he worked his cock closer to his own point of release. The way Spencer gasped his name when he finally came tipped Aaron over the edge and he tried to muffle the guttural cry that spilled from him as come pulsed over his hand. The intensity of his orgasm meant he almost couldn’t breathe for several seconds afterwards and his hands were shaking as he reached for something to clean up with. His phone pinged again.

 

 _Your turn_.

 

 **Too late**.

 

 _Tomorrow night. Your turn. I want to hear you_.

 

 **Spencer**.

 

_Goodnight Aaron x_

 

His hand trembled as he wrote a reply

**Goodnight Spencer x**

It meant nothing, Aaron tried to tell himself as he turned off the light in his office and closed the door.


	10. The Avenger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01E13: Poison

As the jet flew through the darkness, only Hotch and JJ were still awake, the young woman sat with a stack of files on the table in front of her looking for their next case. The seemingly endless amount of death and suffering spread before her prompted her to wonder about the man sitting across the aisle.

“Of all the departments, why did you choose the BAU?”

Hotch paused for a moment to consider his response.

“You know, I had prosecuted dozens of murder cases and by the time they reached my desk it always felt like it was too late, and I wanted to, um...stop them before they got to my desk. That doesn’t really answer your question.”

“No, it doesn’t,” JJ gave him a half smile and wrapped a blanket around herself, leaning back against the seat.

“I guess I’m still trying to figure it out.” Aaron said softly, but JJ had already closed her eyes.

He sat in silence, watching the darkness flow past the window and wondering if he had any hope of ever figuring anything out. Haley was desperate for him to transfer to another department, the long hours and time away from home meant she was carrying most of the responsibility for looking after the baby. Every time he called home he could hear the icy edge of discontent in her voice. There was a small part of him that resented her, resented her unwillingness to accept that he needed to do what he did.

All his life Aaron had done what was expected of him. He went to Law school, worked as a federal prosecutor, married his high school sweetheart, now he’d even given her the child she so desperately wanted. He’d provided the right kind of house in the right kind of neighbourhood, but he began to suspect that none of that was who he really was, who he really wanted to be. He needed something more. Something that justified his existence, something that proved to himself that with each day he was leaving the world a better place than it had been when he’d woken up that morning. It occurred to him that he was driven by an intense desire to pursue wrongdoers, that it gave his life a meaning beyond the mundane practicalities of everyday existence. As a prosecutor, he had been unfulfilled by simply trying to punish the guilty, he had to try to stop them in the first place. He needed to save people. He didn’t have Reid’s astonishing brain to process and interpret data until he found the one little thread that connected everything. He had to do it the old-fashioned way, in a suit, with a gun.  

“Reid” he whispered to himself. That was another thing that he was still trying to figure out.

“Yes,” came the unexpected response. Aaron jerked his head towards the sound. He’d been so engrossed in his thoughts he hadn’t realized the young man was standing in the aisle beside his seat.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, but you seemed lost in your thoughts and I didn’t want to interrupt, then you spoke my name.” Spencer said quietly.

“I...I hadn’t realised you were there.”

“Did you want me for something?” Spencer slid into the seat opposite Hotch. Such an innocuous question, Aaron thought, but the answer contained a world of pain. The dim cabin lighting cast diffuse shadows across the young man’s face but Aaron could make out the luminous hazel eyes that were looking into his. There was something about Spencer that always suggested light, no matter how dark it might be. It was one of the things that drew Aaron to him.

“You helped save a lot of lives today. If you hadn’t made the connection to the envelopes, we might not have got to those men in time.”

Spencer lowered his gaze.

“It feels good, when you get something right. It helps make the ones when we don’t bearable, but that wasn’t what you were thinking when you said my name, was it?”

Aaron glanced across at JJ but she seemed fast asleep.

“No,” he admitted. The look he gave Reid made it clear he had no intention of revealing what he had been thinking about when he uttered the young agent’s name.

“Gideon spoke to me just before we were called out on this case.”

Hotch felt his jaw clench in anger.

“He had no right to do that.” Hotch said through gritted teeth. “But we won’t discuss it here. There’s a café on Potomac called ‘The Night Owl’, do you know it?”

“Quite well,” Reid replied with wry smile.

“Meet me there twenty minutes after we land.” Spencer gave him a brief nod and moved back to the seat he had been occupying earlier. Hotch felt a small flutter of panic and he realized that he was afraid, not that Gideon had failed in his attempt to dissuade Reid from pursuing him, but that in fact he may have succeeded.

 

Spencer was already waiting when Aaron arrived, those long, pliable fingers wrapped around a mug of steaming hot chocolate. Aaron ordered the same and waited until no one was in earshot before he spoke.

“What did Gideon say to you?” Aaron asked gently. He hoped Gideon hadn’t been hard on the young man, being purposefully cruel to Spencer was akin to clubbing a baby seal.

“He wasn’t angry, like I thought he might be,” Spencer replied, staring into his drink. “He just told me that I needed to let you go. That if I didn’t, there could be consequences that would tear apart our team.”

“He threatened your job?” Aaron could hear the anger rising in his voice.

“No, not like that.” Spencer flicked a glance at Aaron before gazing back down at his hands. “He suggested that if I didn’t ‘stop chasing’ you, you would leave the BAU, transfer to another department. Was he right?”

Hotch’s drink arrived and he waited until the waitress moved away before an answering.

“That’s my fault, I told him Haley had been pressing me to transfer out of the BAU.” It was the first time Hotch had said anything personal about his wife to Spencer, and the young man felt a tiny chill at the mention of her name. He’d never actually thought about her as a real person, in his mind she was always just a shadow lurking somewhere beyond the edge of his world. He’d met her twice, both times she’d struck him as thoroughly unremarkable, although he had to acknowledge that he was perhaps being a little unfair. He was, after all, desperately in love with her husband.

“But that has nothing to do with you,” Hotch continued, “And it was wrong of Gideon to tell you that it did.”

“Do you want to leave?” Spencer asked, meeting Aaron’s dark gaze with a worried look.

“No, Spencer, I don’t want to leave; but it’s complicated.”

“I’m good at complicated things,” Spencer’s mouth twitched in a half smile, “it’s something of a speciality.”

Aaron couldn’t help but grin in return.

“I’ve noticed.”

“Why does...,” Spencer couldn’t bring himself to say her name, “your wife want you to leave the BAU?”

Aaron raised his eyebrows in response, as if Spencer’s genius should have figured that out by now.

“She resents the long hours, the amount of time I spend away from home.” Aaron paused, finally figuring something out himself. “Mostly she hates the emotional investment I have in the team. She hates that I put this job before her, before her and the baby,” he said quietly, as the realization dawned on him.

“If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be you,” Spencer said simply. Aaron frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“You care more about the people we save than you do about yourself. I know you love your wife, and she loves you, but it’s in spite of your job, you deserve to be loved because of it. God, Aaron I never want you more than when you pull on your vest and run towards some unknown danger, because it’s who you are.” Spencer exhaled slowly, surprised at his own admission. He risked a glance at Aaron’s face, but the man opposite him seemed to be looking at something far away, as if Spencer’s words had conjured an image he was powerless to turn away from.

“If you’re right,” he whispered finally, “then she doesn’t love me at all.” Hotch felt something deep inside him break, but with the pain came a welcome sense of release, and the sensation that he was somehow freer than he had been for years.

Spencer sighed.

“That’s not for me say. I can’t be objective about this, I want you too much. The irony is that if you were the type of man to cheat on his wife I wouldn’t want you as much as I do. This isn’t about a quick grope in the dark, I want you because you’re so inherently good. And it isn’t fair, it’s not fair on you. That sound file I sent you, you should probably delete it, I mean...um, if you haven’t already,” Spencer said, a blush creeping up his face.

“Yes, I probably should, but ... but I don’t think I want to.” Aaron replied, taking in the colour on Spencer’s skin and reflecting that it made the boy sitting opposite him even more attractive, if that was at all possible.

“Gideon was right, I didn’t see it at the time, you were pretty accurate when you said I have tunnel vision, but then you always are. He was trying to tell me that you deserve better. Better than me, better maybe even than her.”

Spencer stood abruptly and grabbed his satchel, looping the strap across his chest.

“I have to go, I’m so sorry Hotch, sorry I made things worse, sorry I couldn’t, couldn’t make things better.”

“Spencer wait,” Aaron pleaded, but the boy spun on his heel and fled and in that moment he just didn’t have the strength to follow him.


	11. We're all Guilty of Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E14: Ride the Lightening

It mattered to Hotch that the families of these girls got some kind of closure. He could only imagine what it must be like to lose a child. To never know what happened, to never be able to bring her home. Hotch wished from the bottom of his soul to be able to fix that.

Still it didn’t help that Gideon was being especially snappy with him. He wondered how much it had to do with Spencer Reid. Hotch was still angry with Gideon for lying to Reid, he had no right to manipulate the young man the way he had, and now Reid was deliberately avoiding him. At least that was how it seemed to Aaron.

 

“Hotch, you interview Jacob.”

 

“I’m not going to get anything new, but...”

 

“Find a new way to ask,” Gideon said dismissively. Hotch kept his composure, but shot a withering glare at Gideon. His patience with the senior agent was rapidly coming to an end and he knew if he wasn’t careful, he could easily end up in a confrontation that would only damage all their relationships.

 

“Elle, Derek, go to the Dawes residence, it’s due for demolition, take a look around. Reid, you’re with me. Let’s go talk to Sarah-Jean.”

 

Hotch looked at Reid, but the young man was carefully avoiding his gaze. Since their early morning meeting at the café Spencer had steered clear of any interaction with Hotch that didn’t involve at least one other member of the team. Aaron was beginning to realise that he missed being alone with the young man, the simmering heat of Spencer’s desire had been sustaining him for weeks and now it was gone, evaporating like mist on a sunny morning.

 

Even under normal circumstances, Hotch would have had little patience with a man like Jacob Dawes, but the situation with Reid meant Hotch was a cauldron of anger and resentment.

 

“Do you ever smile,” Dawes asked him facetiously, as Hotch sat opposite the convicted murderer.

 

“Are there more bodies?” Hotch replied, disdain dripping from his lips. He knew he was getting nowhere with Dawes and his frustration was building. Dawes was playing him like a violin and he knew it, but in his current emotional turmoil there was little he could do about it. JJ could see it on the monitor, and she asked Garcia to summon Hotch to their operations room.

 

“I’m going in there with you, we need to try something different and I’m hoping my presence will throw him off, maybe make him give something up that he otherwise wouldn’t.”

 

“Are you sure? Dawes is a nasty piece of work, I don’t want you putting yourself in danger.”

“It’s okay Hotch, besides, you’ll be there.” JJ flashed him a confident smile. Hotch nodded in assent. He wasn’t sure how much use he was to anyone the way he was feeling right now, but it was worth a shot.

 

In the end they got nothing new, but Hotch was pleased he’d spared JJ the indignity of being sniffed by Dawes. He kept trying to work out how to rattle the man, and then it came to him.

His hand touched the earpiece he wore.

 

“’JJ,” he motioned for her to wait. “The Governor’s just granted a stay of execution to Sarah Jean,” he said quietly, but no so quietly that Dawes missed it.

 

“What?” Dawes roared. “They can’t do that.”

 

“They don’t believe she killed your son.” Aaron stated firmly.

 

“She killed him, I can tell you exactly where he’s buried.” Hotch turned back to face the man.

 

“Why don’t you do that then?” His stern tone didn’t waver, but he felt secretly elated that the ruse had worked.

 

The discovery of a body in the location Dawes revealed turned out to be a fourteen year old girl, and Hotch knew there were others, just as he knew he would get nothing more from Dawes. The killer had played his last card, he was taking the rest of the deck to his grave.

 

Hotch burst into the viewing room in front of the execution chamber and slapped a picture of a young man against the glass.

 

“Riley,” he said loudly, making sure Dawes could hear him. “You lose.”

 

“No!” Dawes yelled, as the guard rolled the black hood down over his eyes. Aaron watched as the warden gave the signal, the body of Jacob Dawes twitched and convulsed. Aaron lowered his eyes, somehow it didn’t feel much like a victory.

 

Hotch knew that this case had affected Gideon deeply, but his anger still smouldered and when they landed back at Quantico, Aaron took him aside. It had come as no surprise that Reid chose to go straight home rather than head back to his desk and that alone had Hotch wanting to shake Gideon until his teeth rattled. He enjoyed those moments alone with Reid in the quiet of the night, and he knew Reid was staying just to be near Aaron. Hotch hadn’t realised just how much he wanted that, how much he needed it.

 

“You had no right Jason. You lied to him, you told I would leave, that wasn’t fair”

 

“I had every right Aaron. The well being of this team is my responsibility, and whatever this ‘thing’ that is going on with you and Reid is, it is harmful to the effectiveness of this unit.” Gideon stared at him forcefully, daring him to challenge his assessment.

 

“Don’t tell him anymore lies Jason, and don’t you _dare_ interfere in my personal life again.”

 

“I’ll do what I have to do. I thought I was protecting you from him, I’m beginning to think that he needs protecting from you just as much, maybe more.”

 

Aaron spun on his heel and strode away, knowing that it was only thing that could stop him from physically assaulting Gideon. He sat behind the wheel of his car, his knuckles white from the force of his grip on the steering wheel, willing himself to calm down. When he felt it was safe to drive, he turned the vehicle towards home, trying to think about anything other than Spencer Reid. Aaron pulled into his driveway and cut the engine. It was late, he was exhausted, but he remained seated behind the wheel. He reached for his phone, but there was no text message from Spencer and Aaron felt the disappointment well up inside him. He plugged his headset into the phone and opened a particular sound file, knowing that it was wrong, knowing but not caring. He tilted back the driver’s seat as the sound of Spencer’s erratic breathing filled his ears and reached for his zipper.


	12. Diverse Stimulation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E15: Unfinished Business  
> Sorry this one is a little short, but the next two will more than make up for it.

Gideon was having a hard time keeping a lid on Max Ryan, the man’s obsession with the Keystone killer was making all their jobs just that bit more difficult.

Hotch took the opportunity of Gideon’s distraction to follow Reid as they searched the victim’s house.

 

“What do you think of Ryan?” Spencer asked, acutely aware of Hotch’s presence behind him.

 

“He hasn’t changed much.” Hotch said a little dismissively. The last thing he needed was yet another senior profiler competing for Reid’s attention.

 

“I think we can learn a lot from him.” Hotch caught the tone of admiration in the young man’s voice and felt a stab of jealousy.

 

“What could you possibly learn that you don’t already know?” Hotch pitched his voice low, and Spencer turned to look at him, his eyes widening slightly at the smoky hotness of the older man’s tone.

 

“Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death knell for the brain, for complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key.” Reid didn’t meet his eyes, but he inched slightly closer towards where Hotch was standing.

 

“Diverse stimulation huh?”

 

Reid nodded, finally meeting Hotch’s eyes and his lips parted slightly at the simmering desire he saw defined in them.

 

“Does that apply to usage of body parts other than the brain?” Hotch queried, reaching out a hand and rubbing his thumb over Reid’s bottom lip. Spencer closed his eyes and sighed softly before he opened his mouth and gently sucked on the digit Hotch had pressed against his lips. He heard the sharp intake of Aaron’s breath, then he tilted his head back and released Hotch’s thumb with a small popping sound.

 

“What do you want Aaron?” Reid asked, opening his eyes and directing his gaze squarely at the man standing in front of him.

 

“You’re wrong about what Gideon was trying to tell you.”

 

Spencer drew his brows together in a frown.

 

“He made it very clear I need to stay away from you. I’m not wrong about that.”

 

Hotch rested his hand on the side of Spencer’s neck and slowly stroked the thrumming pulse beneath his thumb. Spencer stilled immediately but didn’t move away from the caress.

 

“You said you thought Gideon was trying to tell you weren’t good enough for me. You’re wrong. That wasn’t what Gideon was trying to tell you. He can’t bear the thought that we could form a connection without him. He’s jealous Spencer, not of our feelings for each other, but that they don’t include him.”

 

“ _Our_ feelings, for _each other?_ ”

 

“I miss you,” Aaron whispered.

 

“I miss you too,” Spencer said, a tremor snaking its way into his voice. “But we can’t do this, and we absolutely can’t do this here.” Spencer took a step back and tuned away, half expecting to feel Aaron’s arms wrap around him, to feel him pressed up hard against his back. His attention was caught by the typed sheet lying on top of the dresser. Any thoughts of diverse stimulation disappeared as he recognized the format of a word puzzle.

“Look at this!”

 

Hotch moved to peer over his shoulder, resting one hand possessively on Reid’s hip. He sighed when he saw the note and dropped his hand.

“Let’s go show this to everyone,” he said, taking an evidence bag from his pocket and holding it open while Reid carefully slid the document inside.

 

“Hotch, I’m sorry,” Spencer said softly, but the older man just brushed past him heading back to where the rest of the team were gathered.


	13. Counting Coup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 E16 The Tribe

John Blackwolf was an impressive figure. Hotch, Gideon and Reid stood at the back of his classroom and watched as he engaged the students in a lesson on Native American history.

Reid couldn’t help himself, whispering the answers to Blackwolf’s questions. ‘The eternal student,’ Hotch thought to himself and glared at Reid in an attempt to keep him quiet.

 

“Samuel, tell the gentlemen from the FBI who the Ga’He are,” Blackwolf nodded at one of his most promising students.

 

“The Ga’He are the mighty spirits who dwell in desert caves,” Reid interjected.

 

“Reid, is your name Samuel?” Hotch growled at him. Spencer threw him an imploring look before staring down at his shoes.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered. Hotch melted a little, Spencer’s enthusiasm was one his most endearing characteristics.

 

Blackwolf accompanied the agents outside and Hotch could read the animosity in the Native American’s body language.

 

“You look like a college professor,” Blackwolf addressed Gideon, “You look like his student,” he said turning to Reid. “You? You look like FBI,” he said glaring at Hotch.

 

“We’re with the behavioural analysis unit,” Hotch replied calmly.

 

“Profilers should know better.” Blackwolf said, making no attempt to disguise his contempt.

 

Aaron knew he shouldn’t respond to Blackwolf’s baiting, but the argument with Sean just before they flew to Terra Mesa had unsettled him. The native American appeared to have singled Hotch out to bear the brunt of his ire. Gideon and Reid didn’t scream FBI the way that Hotch did. Aaron was aware that simply the way he looked, the way he carried himself, pushed all of Blackwolf’s buttons. He knew also that he wasn’t his usual stoic self. Reid had him tied in knots, Sean just added to the turmoil.

 

“We don’t do massacres, you do” Blackwolf said harshly. Aaron couldn’t help himself.

 

“Me personally,” he said sarcastically.

 

“Your government,” the Native American replied firmly. Despite his annoyance, Hotch was impressed by the man’s calmness. Given Blackwolf’s history, his father’s death at the hands of federal agents, Hotch hadn’t expected a friendly reception.

 

“Mr Blackwolf, we’d like for you to take a look at these photos and help us figure out how these kids were killed.” Hotch kept his tone icily polite. Reid reached into his bag and passed the pictures across.

“You’re not asking because I’m a cop,” Blackwolf said sharply, his resentment bubbling to the surface again.

“No,” Gideon said softly, “We’re asking because you’re an expert on Native American Culture.”

“I don’t base my opinions on pictures _Mr_ Hotchner, I have to walk the ground,” Blackwolf said, deliberately ignoring Gideon and glaring at Hotch.

 

At the crime scene Reid watched while Blackwolf needled Hotch. The Native American’s assertion that Hotch carried two guns by measuring the depth of his footprints provoked a response from the senior profiler.

 

“You can’t tell that from my footprints, there’s no perceptible difference between them.”

 

“Your problem isn’t with your prints, it’s with your perception,” Blackwolf answered and brushed past Hotch as he stalked away.

 

The mention of the gun Aaron carried on his right ankle took Reid back to that morning at the practice range, the taste of Aaron when he’d kissed him, the way their bodies felt pressed against each other. He felt the familiar tingle of want and despite his best intentions, he let his hand brush softly against Hotch’s as they followed Blackwolf to the rear of the property. Aaron’s eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses, but Spencer felt the sharp glance and heard the slight hitch in Aaron’s breath. When Blackwolf crouched down to examine the bloodstains and muttered something about the ground developing a thirst for blood Hotch’s eye roll was unmistakeable, even behind his dark glasses and Spencer had to supress the urge to grin. A part of him was enjoying the tension between the two men, although he had the feeling that the Native American had the upper hand. He was on his own turf, they were interlopers.

 

* * *

 

Hotch followed Blackwolf down the corridor at the Sheriff’s office. The Native American spoke without turning.

“You wanted to see how I’d behave at the scene of the crime, you can at least tell me how I did.”

 

“Your lack of an emotional reaction at seeing the crimes leads me to believe you’re innocent.”

 

“A guilty man would have feigned disgust?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Blackwolf stopped and turned to face Hotch. Although he was shorter than the agent by several inches he had a quiet strength that radiated authority.

 

“Do you know what counting coup is?”

 

“No,” Hotch answered impatiently.

 

“The Apache knew they could easily prove their superiority by killing many of the enemy tribe, but they also knew killings would start a fierce blood feud which would result in waste of lives and resources.”

 

“Makes sense,” Hotch conceded.

 

“So the Apache proved their superiority by counting coup, stealthily stealing property, usually horses, from right under the nose of their enemy. To the Apache, killing, unless absolutely necessary was a sign of stupidity and weakness.” Blackwolf emphasised his last sentence, his eyes issuing a challenge to the FBI agent.

 

“If this is your way of saying you’re not the killer we already know that.” Hotch could feel his patience wearing thin, the morally superior attitude of the Native American was chipping away at his tolerance. Yet there was something about the man that struck Hotch, in different circumstances he would have liked to have known him better, to open the door to friendship. Hotch was keenly aware that he had few friends, none really outside the Bureau, and on occasion he felt that loss deeply.

 

“So why am I still talking to you?” Blackwolf’s question cut through Hotch’s thoughts.

 

“We’d like for you to stay and help with the profile briefing,” Hotch was trying hard to bridge the divide between the two men.

 

“If it will keep the FBI off the reservation I’ll stay,” Blackwolf flashed Hotch a sarcastic grin, well aware of the agent’s conciliatory attempt, but not giving Hotch the satisfaction of succeeding.

 

Hotch drove Blackwolf to the Minton’s family home. He had formulated a plan to try and break through to Ingrid Griesen and he needed Blackwolf’s help.

“I want you to lead her through the crime scene, try to get her to understand she’s been manipulated, that this is not the Apache way.”

 

“I can do that.” Blackwolf looked across at Hotch.

 

“The boy, Reid, he’s not very good at hiding that he wants you.”

 

“I know.” Hotch gripped the steering wheel firmly, Blackwolf caught the flash as the sunlight hit Hotch’s wedding ring.

 

“You’re much better at hiding that you want him just as much, but not quite good enough.”

 

Hotch tensed, then his body loosened again as he realised the futility of denial.

 

“I know that too.”

 

“What are you going to do about it?”

 

“That I don’t know.” Hotch sighed.

 

“There is an old Apache saying, ‘Where love reigns, the impossible may be attained.’”

 

“It’s not the attaining that’s the problem.”

 

“Then what is the problem?”

 

“I can’t have what I want and do what is right.” Hotch flexed his left hand and the sunlight glinted on his wedding ring.

 

“And is your perception of what is right, really what is right for you, or for someone or something else?”

 

“I’m still working on that.” Blackwolf placed his hand on Hotch’s shoulder and squeezed gently.

 

* * *

Hotch and Blackwolf arrived at the reservation school in time to hide the students. Hotch reached for his gun but Blackwolf stopped him.

 

“Put that away.”

 

“What?” said Hotch in surprise

 

“You don’t need it. Use your baton. There are many paths to the same place. Trust me.”

 

“Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie.” Hotch flicked out his baton and they went to work.

 

* * *

 

When the rest of the team arrived, it was to a strange sight. Hotch was sitting on the steps of the school, his sleeves rolled to the elbow and his tie gone. Blackwolf sat beside him, four offenders hog tied on the steps in front of them. The two men looked a little roughed up, but happy. Gideon rushed out of the car.

 

“The children?” Gideon asked in panicked voice.

 

“They’re fine.” Aaron answered. “We got them out before they got here, we took down these four,” he said.

 

“Without firing a shot?” asked Reid in amazement.

 

“Captain America here shot number five.”

 

“You’re welcome,” said Hotch grinning. “Number six is cut up pretty bad, I don’t think he’s going to make it.” Hotch looked pointedly at Blackwolf.

 

“At least I didn’t shoot him.” Blackwolf fired back.

 

“I think I’d rather be shot,” Morgan weighed in.

 

“There’s an old Apache saying, you can take many paths to get to the same place.” Hotch said, smiling at Blackwolf. The Native American looked at him and returned the smile. As they walked away, Spencer saw Blackwolf place his hand on Aaron’s shoulder and the senior agent grinned in response. Reid felt a piercing stab of jealousy, something had clearly changed between the two men and he felt left behind.

 

It was a long flight back to Quantico. The rest of the team were asleep but Hotch was working through his reports. He looked up as Reid settled himself in the chair opposite him.

 

“So, you and Blackwolf worked out your differences.”

 

“It took a while, but yes, I think we’ve come to a mutual understanding.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“He only hates me a little bit now, and I pretend not to care.”

 

Spencer smiled. He slid his hand under the table and began to stroke the seam along Hotch’s inner thigh. “I don’t think it’s possible to hate you Hotch.”

 

Hotch didn’t reply, but Spencer could hear his breathing change, as his hand kept up the gentle caress. Spencer leaned back, breaking the touch and stood up, moving to the back of the plane before he turned and gave Hotch a knowing look, then he disappeared behind the partition. Hotch counted to ten before following him. As he closed the curtain behind him Hotch felt arms wrap around his waist and he was pulled tightly against Spencer’s body.

 

“My body misses being pressed against yours,” Spencer whispered as his lips brushed against Aaron’s neck.

 

“Spencer, we can’t do this here,” Aaron said, fighting not to curl his fingers into Spencer’s hair and pull those soft, needy lips against his own.

 

“It’s okay, everyone’s asleep.” Spencer caught his long fingers in the hair at the nape of Aaron’s neck and tilted his head down. Aaron’s mouth offered no resistance as Spencer slid his tongue inside and claimed the taste of the other man’s desire. The senior profiler’s fingers hooked themselves into Spencer’s belt loops and tugged hard, pulling Spencer’s groin against his own and Aaron felt the tingle of vibrations against his lips as Spencer moaned quietly. Spencer pulled sharply on Aaron’s hair so that his head tilted upwards and began to rain soft kisses over his chin and down his throat.

 

“Touch me Aaron,” Spencer murmured, the sound humming against Aaron’s skin.

 

Aaron slipped his fingers from the loop at Spencer’s hip and started to stroke the hardness pressing against his own.

 

“God yes, like that,” Spencer quivered each time Aaron moved his hand in slow deliberate passes.

 

Aaron found Spencer’s mouth and thrust his tongue inside, more an act of ownership than a kiss. Spencer sucked it deeper into his mouth until Aaron felt the young man tense and gasp loudly.

 

“Aaron, oh God yes,” Spencer’s hips thrust jerkily against Aaron’s hand and then he stilled. He bowed his head and rested it against Aaron’s shoulder.

 

“I can’t give you up,” Spencer whispered. “I tried, but I just can’t.”

 

Aaron lifted Spencer’s chin with his hand and kissed him gently. Spencer slid his hand between their bodies and pressed his palm against Aaron’s erection, but Aaron pulled away.

 

“If I let you touch me, I can’t go home. I need some time Spencer, it’s not about you.”

 

Spencer nodded and sighed.

 

“I need to go get cleaned up, otherwise it will be a very uncomfortable ride home.” Spencer brushed his lips against Aaron’s jaw and went to retrieve his go bag. Aaron peered around the partition but no one else was awake. He moved quickly back to his seat, still conscious of the bulge in the front of his pants. He had some decisions to make, none of which would be easy. He thought again of Blackwolf’s words, ‘there are many paths to the same place.’ Aaron wondered which path he was about to travel down, and what he would find at the end.


	14. You are that bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S01 EP18 Somebody's watching

Spencer reached into the waste paper basket and removed the magazine before sliding it into his desk drawer. The cover photograph showed him resting his hand gently on Lila’s shoulder, a tender gesture of a parting neither of them seemed to want. He covered it with some other files and then closed the draw. He wasn’t quite sure why he saved it. Maybe he needed proof that he could be wanted, Lila’s kisses had made him feel less awkward, more like the kind of person who deserved the admiration of a beautiful young woman, even if they weren’t the kisses he yearned for. He stood up, gathering his scarf and bag. His was the last light still burning in the bull pen and he reached forward to click it off. As if it were a signal, Hotch appeared in the doorway of his office and called down to the young man.

 

“Reid, do you have a minute?” Spencer nodded and loped up the ramp. He had no idea how much Hotch knew and how much he had guessed. Aaron had asked for time, which not unreasonable given what he was risking, and Spencer had been careful to give him some space. Being alone with Aaron was dangerous, it was almost impossible to resist the pull of attraction even when he was consciously trying to negate it. He closed the door behind him, although the bull pen was empty, it was late and they were the last two on the floor.

 

Reid chose to stand, ignoring the chairs in front of Hotch’s desk and waited for the other man to speak. Aaron looked tired and drawn, and all Spencer wanted to do was straddle those long legs and wrap the older man in his arms, kissing away the stress and tension on his face and feel him melt against his chest.

 

“Do we need to have a discussion about crossing professional boundaries with victims of crime?” Hotch asked tersely. He hadn’t been at Lila’s home when Reid had disarmed and arrested Lila Archer’s stalker, but Morgan and Elle’s teasing on the flight back left him no doubt that something had happened between his young agent and the Hollywood starlet. Hotch was caught between his own jealousy and the desire not to see Reid do anything that might jeopardize his future career. His hands were fidgeting with a pen and he avoided Spencer’s eyes.

 

“We could have a discussion about crossing professional boundaries, but it wouldn’t be in connection with victims of crime.” Spencer said slowly.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hotch snapped at him. Reid sighed. He knew he’d have to deal with Aaron’s ire at some point, and perhaps angry Hotch would be easier to resist than a softer and gentler version.

 

“Why don’t you just ask me what you want to know?” Spencer was trying not to be antagonistic and it seemed to safer to let Aaron drive this conversation even if it meant being on the back foot.

 

“What happened between you and Lila Archer?”

 

“Are you asking as my boss, or as the man who stroked my cock until I came in my pants two weeks ago?” Spencer knew he was sliding into dangerous territory, but he needed to be sure that this was personal, not professional.

 

“Both,” Aaron said more bitterly than he had intended. The lamp on the desk cast long shadows on his face but there was no doubt he was hurting.

 

“She decided to go for a swim in the outside pool. I tried to persuade her to come back inside where it was safer. She asked for help getting out of the water, but when I offered her my hand she pulled me in. Then she kissed me.”

 

“Did you kiss her back?”

 

“Not at first”

 

“But then later, you did?”

 

“Yes, but I stopped.”

 

“Why?” Aaron looked at Spencer for the first time since the young man had entered the office, it was an accusation rather than a question, but Spencer didn’t hesitate.

 

“Because she wasn’t you.” Spencer folded himself into the seat across from Aaron and leaned forward, resting his arms on the edge of the desk.

 “She was pretty and sweet and willing and ... there. But she didn’t want me like you do, she didn’t make my skin heat up with a glance the way that you do, and in the end I didn’t want her to touch me, the way I want you to touch me. So if you want to lecture me on professional boundaries go ahead, but we both know that it has nothing to do with Lila and everything to with the fact that I crave the taste of your mouth and I want to feel your arms wrapped around me so tightly that I can’t breathe.”

 

“Come here.” Hotch commanded. Within seconds he was straddling Hotch’s hips and Aaron’s head jerked back as Spencer gripped the short dark hair and pulled.

 

“She didn’t taste like you.” Spencer leaned forward and brushed his tongue across Aaron’s lips and when Aaron opened his mouth to moan softly Spencer thrust his tongue inside. Aaron jerked against him, winding his fingers into Spencer’s hair and pulling with an almost bruising cruelty. Spencer gasped and tried to move to relieve the pressure on his scalp but Aaron hung on tightly

 

“What do I taste like?” Aaron hissed

 

“Like power, and pain and passion, so much passion.” Spencer’s voice whispered hot against Aaron’s skin.” Aaron turned Spencer’s head until their eyes were locked together.

 

“And you’re sure that’s what you want?”

 

“More than anything. More than everything. I want you Aaron, let me make you feel.”

 

“I thought I’d lost you, I thought you’d chosen her…”

 

“You still might lose me, not to Lila, but at another time, if you don’t stop being so damned difficult, and just hurry up and take me, like I know you want to, like you know I want you to.”

The sound that escaped Aaron at those words was barely human. He stood up suddenly, wrapping his arms around the slim waist of the boy perched in his lap and deposited him on the wide desk in front of him.

 

“What you’re asking for, what you want… what was it you said that night at The Strathmore, ‘this doesn’t end well’…”

 

Spencer nodded.

 

“Madness and death,” Then he grinned suddenly. “But it will be one hell of a ride!”

 

Spencer reached for Aaron’s tie and used it pull him close enough for his lips to brush against the other man’s ear. “Take me home, take me to bed, or walk away. It ends here, or it starts.”

 

Aaron pulled himself loose from Spencer’s grasp and met the wanton gaze raking over him.

 

“And if I walk away?”

 

“You won’t.”

 

“How can you know that?”

 

“Because you didn’t delete the file I sent you. Because you’ve listened to it again, more than once, and because the only thing you want more than feeling yourself buried deep inside me is watching me come and knowing that you’re the only one who makes me feel like that.”

 

Hotch’s eyes narrowed and he took a deep breath. Then he stepped back and reached into his pocket. He removed his keys and tossed them at Spencer.

 

“You’d better drive, I don’t trust you to keep your hands to yourself until we get there.”

 

Spencer picked up the keys and slowly turned them over before looking up the man he wanted so desperately.

 

“It’s not my hands you have to worry about…”


	15. Epilogue

Spencer had been right, but that was hardly surprising, he was rarely wrong. It hadn’t been his hands that had driven Aaron to the brink of ecstasy again and again last night, it had been his mouth.

First as kisses that incited Aaron and lit him up in a way he had forgotten he was capable of feeling any more. Lips soft and needy, brushing against his throat, his chest, teasing his mouth, skimming across his abdomen. The hunger that gnawed at him, and Spencer’s mouth, so soft, so willing, so full of him. Then, later, his tongue sliding across Aaron’s skin, licking, sucking; where Spencer had ever learned to use his mouth like that Aaron wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but he stopped caring when Spencer dropped to his knees and wrapped his lips around Aaron’s hot, hard erection. Aaron fought against closing his eyes, although his body wanted nothing more than to dissolve into the heat and momentum that was building deep in his core. The rest of Aaron however wasn’t as easily pleased as his body. He wanted to watch, to drink in the sight of Spencer’s mouth and what it was doing to his cock. To see the long eyelashes as they fluttered against skin flushed with desire and then to gaze deeply into the swirl of Hazel coloured eyes that looked up at him with a neediness that burned.

Finally it was the words that fell softly at first from the young man’s mouth and then increased in volume and intensity. The litany of Aaron’s name, over and over, full of wonder in the beginning, then demanding, commanding and finally surrendering as Aaron thrust deep inside the quivering body that encased him. And when Spencer had no words left, when he couldn’t even find the sound of that name, the cry that issued from low within him as he came. Spencer had been right about that too. Then only thing more powerful than the feeling of Spencer’s tight muscles sheathing his driving thrusts was the look on the boy’s face as he abandoned all sense and the knowledge that only Aaron could do that to him.

“Only for you,” Spencer had murmured breathlessly when he’d finally regained some semblance of speech as they lay together in a tangle of limbs and liquids. “Only ever you,” and then he’d drifted away, the keen edge of need sated for the moment. Aaron knew he should leave, slip quietly away and then make some attempt to fit back into his old life. Instead he curled his arm around the sleeping form lying prone beside him. It was simple really, he just didn’t want to go. ‘It ends here, or it starts,’ Spencer had said to him only a few hours before. Well it had been one hell of a start, and Aaron realised that he didn’t want it end. He would have to face the consequences of his actions, he knew that, but that was for another time. Now was for soaking up the last few precious moments before everything he knew was irrevocably altered. Aaron thought again about John Blackwolf, and he grinned to himself. He didn’t give a damn about how many paths there were or where they led, the only place he needed to be was in Spencer’s bed, with Spencer held tight in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been fun, thanks for all the positive encouragement along the way, this one's done, for now.


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